confessions

I've been debating if I should actually write this post or not... But I decided I should, just in case any mommy's or mommy's to be out there feel the same. That way they know they aren't alone like I felt.

The thing I had the hardest time with....
When my son was born, I expected to have the overwhelming overflowing love for him that everyone describes. But I didn't. I knew I loved him, I just hadn't found the strength to love him yet. I was terrified! I was responsible for this little life,  responsible for who he would become as he grew. He also was a hard baby at first. Very colicky and constipated, so he was constantly crying and everything I did wouldn't help. So there were many many nights were I would just cry as well. I felt like I had to prove that I was a good mother because I didn't feel the immediate attachment that everyone describes that they feel.
My husband would try to make me feel better by saying that women don't actually feel that. That they feel just like me and pretend that they feel that. But hearing how they worded their experience made me think that wasn't true. Those women genially felt that overflowing love for their newborn.
It took about two weeks until I started feeling that love and not just telling myself it was actually there. And from there till now my love has just grown. I now know the overwhelming overflowing love that everyone talks about. I could just cry thinking about how much I love my little boy and how perfect he is to me and for me and my husband. He brings so much joy into our lives and is making us grow stronger together in new ways.
I have felt guilty for not having that immediate love and connection for my little boy. But it is so strong now, it has over powered that guilt and I have almost but forgotten that struggle.
I'm not sure if I actually am the only one who struggled with this, but I hope that telling my story will help someone know they aren't alone. Or any future mother know that it's ok, it is hard at first, but that strong love everyone talks about will be there and its the most amazing feeling in the world to love such a precious little person the way you will.

Also on a side note. I read every blog, book, article I could get my hands on to help prepare me for my baby boy. And I was told by many that no matter how much you read, it will not help prepare you for your baby. But I tell all you mothers to be, READ!! I am so thankful that I did. I feel like it has helped me know what to do in so many ways. And I am able to stay calm because I have read others experiences. So don't listen to the 'it wont help prepare you' and just READ!